The Untold Gospel Story
by PokerGuy
Summary: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John didn't want this story told!  Not for those who consider the Gospels as sacred, because I kick a few sacred cows.
1. Prologue

**Devout Christians might not appreciate this take on the Gospel story.**

1.

"Careful, Judas, we don't want an accident," Mary said as he continued his thrusts.

After a few minutes he said "Oops!"

"You idiot," she said. "Well, let's hope we get lucky. If not, this'll be hard to explain, since he can't get it up and I'm supposed to still be a virgin."

2.

Two months later, she crept into Joseph's room as he slept and whispered into his ear "Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home as your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the holy spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins." She repeated this many times.

3.

Ten months later, she said "Be more careful this time. I think we got away with one virgin birth, but more would be hard to explain." He pulled out in time, and she helped him finish with her hand. Both knew that it was a sin, but nowhere near as hard to explain as another virgin birth.


	2. Chapter 1

"Do you want to know what I did when I wove this robe?" Mary asked her son. "I made it from both linen and wool!"

"Mother, I thought you were without sin?" Jesus asked.

"Well, it isn't humanly possible to follow all those silly laws, so all that really means is I don't sin no matter what I do. And don't tell your father, but I kind of stretched it a bit about a few things, so what he doesn't know about this robe won't hurt him."

"But isn't that bearing false witness?"

"Not really," she told him. "We just don't bear any witness at all about this robe, false or otherwise. Get it?"

"I guess, but why did you do it at all?"

"I just like being naughty sometimes," she told him.

A few days later, they heard cries of "Frankincense and myrrh! Get your frankincense and myrrh!"

"Yay, it's Uncle Judas," yelled Jesus as he ran outside and Mary smiled slightly.

That night, she crept out and went to the wagon, where Judas was waiting. As she snuggled up to him, she said "I wish you were in town more often."

"I'm a traveling salesman, dear. That means I travel."

"I know," she said as she slid her blended robe off. "But if it weren't for you, I really would still be a virgin."

Later, after they had both dressed, he dug into his wares and pulled out a small wooden box. "Here," he said, "try cooking this herb in as a spice. A sorcerer in Jerusalem says it should help Joseph's problem."

"A sorcerer?" she asked, awe and fear in her voice. "But..."

"Hey babe, we all have our little secrets. Trying an herb from a sorcerer can't be any worse than what we just did, can it?"

"Good point," she replied.

"Just make sure it only goes into his food. It might have bad side effects for anyone not affected the way he is."

A few days later, she was dressed in black as the funeral commenced. After it was over, Judas sat with her and Jesus at their home.

"What do we do now?" Mary asked, despair in her voice.

"Can Jesus take over the carpentry business?" asked Judas.

"I don't think so," Jesus said. "I was only just starting to apprentice, and I don't know enough to do it on my own."

"Then come with me. I have some ideas on how to expand beyond just selling things." He saw a look of horror on Mary's face and said "No, wait, I don't mean what you think, we won't be selling _that." _She looked relieved.


	3. Chapter 2

"You know what we should do next?" asked Judas a few years later.

"No, what?" answered Jesus.

"I can see an angle with you being born from a virgin. You can claim to be the Messiah of the scriptures. We can pump it up with the sleight of hand we've been pulling on the marks."

"Is that a good idea?" said Mary.

"Sure it is," Judas told her. "There's lots of money in starting a new religion, more than in selling things and doing carnie tricks. Once we have a few apostles, we can really set up the yokels to believe anything."

"I bet that other Mary from Magdela, would join us," said Jesus as he made an hourglass shape in the air with his hands.

_And the rest, as they say, is history._

_The end._


End file.
